My Dog or My Mother

 Almost two years ago my dog Fritzie passed over the Rainbow Bridge, as they say. He was old, sixteen, and had just had a convulsion. I'm still broken hearted at his loss. He was a part of me constantly since a little puppy. He loved me unconditionally. I knew it was time for him to leave, but still there's a hollow place in my heart where he'd been nestled so sweetly.

Two weeks ago my mother died. She lived out in California, over two thousand miles away. Our relationship, while fine as a child, had grown acrimonious. Since I was a teenager we'd had 'issues'. Most I didn't understand and she wouldn't let me in on her animosity. I wanted us to be close, confiding, the "My mom is my best friend!" stuff I saw in other people. But she was bitter and took it out on me.

We were hit and miss for many years. I was ashamed to speak of it since no one understood. When she ended up in a nursing home, and we flew out to pack out her apartment, she was at first okay, then accused me of things, bitter again. I'm thankful my high school girlfriends joined in the packing out business. I couldn't have done it without them. But they too didn't understand the animosity.

I guess I need to form a Facebook group, 'Daughters who had bad relationships with their Moms'.

I miss my dog more than my mom. He was there for me to the very last. My mom had pulled away to snarl like a beast who could have eaten her young. Where was the Brownie leader I once knew?

Mom on our vacation in the sixties. Yellowstone?

I'd mourned the loss of our relationship years ago. A friend once told me, you never get the parents you wish you had. My father once said that, too.

After becoming a mom myself, I realize no matter how hard you try, relationships never evolve as you wish they would.

I mourn my dog for the love he gave me every day of his life, and my mom for the love in my childhood. 

I hope my two granddaughters know how much I love them. 

In the Second Year of Covid, I hope for better things. Hurry up with that damned vaccine! It's here, but not here in PA.

A New Year 2021 Good or Bad?

 I haven't blogged in five months. So much has happened. First my mom passed away on January 5th. We had a conflicted relationship. I wished we'd been closer, but she always managed to stick a needle into me instead of supporting me. 

I was no angel, but as adults we should have mended our ragged relationship. I'm sure I've mentioned the smack with the purse on the Catano Ferry. I'm still confused on that one. Anyway, she'd gotten so frail at the home over 2,000 miles away in California. Could hardly see, hardly hear, it was difficult to talk over the phone. Once she didn't remember me, but I tried to be a duck and let it slide off my back.

Love to her since she was my mom and was a good one in my childhood years.

We have a new president, finally. The four awful years of Trump are over, a man who lied his way through our highest office; cheated, put incompetent Yes men in offices so he could get his way. Joe Biden is our new president. He'll try to heal our fractured country. I'm so thrilled to welcome him and his lovely wife, Jill, who doesn't pose naked, into the White House.

The Covid virus is sill rampaging through our country, and the world, but anti-maskers (Trump supporters) still refuse to wear masks. More damage from the Liar in Chief. He's being impeached a second time. How did people ever allow such a horrible man to rise so high?

I'm home schooling my youngest granddaughter. She's a character. Stubborn, easily distracted. She makes me write her paragraph in 'reading' while she organized my messy bookcase. I realize her evil scheme, LOL.

Last, but not least, the Bernie Meme has taken over the internet, and of course, I had to join in.

Diane lives as a Hermit (Covid) in Western Pennsylvania with her husband and one naughty puppy.

Husbands, Are They there for you or Not?

 I married at 21, in Greece. It was his second marriage. My first. I had no intention of joining the navy to find a husband. I wanted to travel. But shit happens. I was in lust and love.

                                                           Cape Souno, Greece

I had two sons, we lived in Puerto Rico then he reenlisted and we were stationed in San Diego.
He went to sea and I raised my sons alone. I had good girlfriends to chat and have lunch with; they got me through it.

We were then stationed in Stockton, which is half way between San Francisco and Sacramento. I grew up in the Bay Area and wanted to be close to my parents. But that didn't work out. (see previous blog post)

My husband partied with his work friends and left me out. Then one day he said he didn't love me and perhaps never had. Wow, talk about a kick in the gut. The boys were young. I almost returned to San Diego at a girlfriend's request. But we patched things up. Still, I never trusted him fully after that.

He's moody, and doesn't share much. He got diabetes, I got MS. Then he had heart blockage. I thought we'd muddle through it all.

Now, in the year of 2020 and Covid19, we have two lovely granddaughters, isn't it time to pull together? You said you loved me; I thought you loved me.

                                Husband and me in front of the base in Nea Makri on 2019 trip

He's moody again, goes on long errands, and we seldom have sex. What is going on? If I ask, he's cold and clipped in his replies. He denies anything is wrong. I'm left hanging. 

We're patched up again, but only because I demanded he change his mood. I never know when the next 'episode' will happen.

Yes, I'm venting but that's what I created this site for. It's my on-line, gotta bitch, diary.

My website about my books and nothing to do with this blog: Dianescottlewis

The Fricking Fun of Family

Family, the ones you're supposed to count on, they stab the deepest. I grew up in a good family, my parents were loving, my brother and I fought like cats and dogs, but protected one another. As soon as I left home, it was like "Good riddance, don't let the door hit you in the ass." WTF? I never understood this evil shift in attitude. What had I done? 

My brother's death was a secret my mom kept and since I lived in Puerto Rico, I was totally ignorant. My grandmother finally told me he was on heroin. I'd lost my only sibling. Scott. When I asked my mom why she never let me know, vague excuses was all I got. I was heartbroken.

We traveled all over with my husband in the navy but were finally able to move close to my parents when my sons were young. I thought we'd have family dinners, picnics, but I was so wrong. They acted like they couldn't care less about us being near them. Not once did they come up to visit. We left and went to Guam and never said a word. I didn't think they'd notice. Then my best friend kept sending letters telling me I needed to let them know where I'd gone.

Me and my best friend at ten and twelve. We're still in touch!

Finally I wrote, my dad wrote back, apologizing...in a way. When we returned to the states, we made up. But as soon as we moved across the U.S. and asked them to come visit, I got nothing but excuses. I also asked my husband's family, now only a few states away to visit, but they never did either. I must have done something terrible to have relatives that never cared.

My dad is gone and I've tried to forge a close relationship with my mother. She is a bitter woman and takes it out on me.

My youngest son married and moved away. My husband retired and my daughter-in-law said why  don't we move up near them. Finally a family. But that all changed. Her father suddenly died and her mother freaked out. Her mom came to live near them. I thought, fine, we'll all be a family.

Again I was wrong. The mother wanted all the attention. We were pushed to the fringe. I hardly get to see my granddaughters. It's painful. I tried to explain this to my DIL, but she got upset-at me! My son just shrugs and goes along with his wife. More family angst.

Here's my grandgirls, In the Year of Covid, 2020; but I have no idea how to add a caption in this fun New Blogger.

I know I'm not alone in these issues. I have a dear friend whose father hated her from the moment she was born, a tough road to travel. Her sons care more for the father who deserted them than for her, and she's facing a terrible disease.

Another dear friend had a mother who treated her like crap and she was devastated. I grew up with a family across the street of several sisters. They fought, but stuck up for one another. Now the three I was closest to don't even speak, and two live in the same apartment complex. Sad.

Another friend left her job and traveled thousands of miles to help her sister take care of their mom. The sister ended up throwing my friend out and leaving her to fend for herself. They'd once been very close.

These people who are so close to their family have no idea how lucky they are. I wish they'd adopt me.

And WHY did they have to change Blogger? It's so un-user friendly, it's impossible to navigate. Okay, that was not part of the theme.

Here's info on me if we're not related and you actually might care (wink):

 Diane Scott Lewis

 

 

The Era of Masks and Stand Offs

In the Land of Covid 19, the strange virus that swooped over from, as far as we know, and I'm not being racist, Wuhan China, we must adjust. The Idiot Guy in the White House keeps calling it China's fault, on and on. Because they sold bats at an open air market, and the bats were infected, then one person spread it over the entire world by passing it along.

Now we're sequestered, hiding out, because we can't breathe on one another. It's true, the virus spreads easily and millions of people are dying. It sounds like a futuristic, dystopian novel, but it's our lives.

Wearing masks and standing six feet apart is the best policy. But, wait, there are people who scream that wearing a mask infringes on their freedoms, and it's a violation of the Constitution. Really? I never heard one thing about being asked to save others from infection violates my rights. And our Founding Fathers actually addressed this in the Constitution?

Our Ignoble President insists that wearing a mask is beyond him since the virus is a hoax, and will disappear like a miracle. He ignored it too long, and now we're swamped with cases.

States shut down businesses and schools. Then people screamed their businesses would fail (which is true for the little guy). But the stimulus package passed by Congress and Senate, went to Big Business, who didn't need it.

People are protesting, gathering together, breathing on one another, especially the Lemmings who follow the Ignoble Prez. Why is it a political issue to want to save lives? To Repubs it's a hoax, to the Dems it's a pandemic. I've never seen such insanity.

My husband and I are in the Danger Zone, too, comingling with our granddaughters who take gymnastics and soccer.

Health care workers are deluged with patients, the sickest having to go on ventilators. So many deaths. Trump insists on crazy solutions, such as injecting bleach. His Cultists believe him. Can't these people Fact-Check; stop hanging on the Devil's every word, what's the matter with our country?

Will we read about this years from now and say, "It couldn't have happened that way, what an exaggeration. You're lying!"?

Diane Parkinson writing as Diane Scott Lewis lives in Western PA (under duress) It's damned cold there.
Her website about her books and nothing to do with this blog: Dianescottlewis

Can I be Honest?

Why do people jump on you for making comments that they call complaints? They want everything Sunshine and Lollipops, instead of discussing what is really happening. Or they just want to dismiss you altogether. All I want is a voice.

My mother wanted me to 'shade' everything so she could continue wearing her Rose-colored glasses. As a result, we had no heart to heart talks and I had no emotional support. But Mom is another post for the future.

Don't people understand that they're selfish if they don't allow their loved ones to unburden? I don't care if people unburden to me. I encourage them to, because I know how it is to be Cut Down for saying the unvarnished truth. Sometimes we just need to vent. We need someone to understand our pain, and give a pat on the back. I promise one in return.

Men are especially bad about this. They can tease and ridicule, but don't you dare speak the truth back. You're a bitch for being open and honest.

I used to love the late comedian, Joan Rivers, who'd say "Can we talk?" Then she'd spew out hilarious comments on the current events or daily life. Some would call it vitriol, but I loved it. "Am I wrong?!"

I always seem to be a member of this club:

Those sensitive souls (I say with gritted teeth) want to live in the clouds and ignore how anyone else feels.

I like my old girlfriends, we knew how to vent! Then we'd laugh and hug, too. You can do both. No hiding under the veneer of perfection and lies. Give your friends, and me, an outlet to vent! It's cathartic.
We also giggle, talk of movies, books, and our youthful indiscretions and peccadillos. We do it all!
Let's tongue-in-cheek, rail at the world, then hug tightly, and feel the love and support.

Diane Parkinson writing as Diane Scott Lewis lives in Western PA (under duress) It's damned cold there.
Her website about her books and nothing to do with this blog: DianeScottLewis

The Foibles of Life and Writing 2

I wrote an entire blog and it disappeared. Let's try again. I've had so much fun NOT trying to set this up. It should be easy, but I seem to make things hard for myself. lol. My first effort refuses to show up in the menu so I can add to it. So I start again. (update: I found it now, a slightly different name, mystery solved!) I'll have to give up my job as a Rocket Scientist.

I'm here to rant, vent, ponder, fix the world's problems, perhaps only to myself, but that's okay. It's like a Diary online that someone might come across decades from now and say WTF.

Maybe I'll have Guest Ranters.

I want to note my stellar thoughts during Quarantine, and the worst Political Upheaval I've ever experienced. And I've been around since Eisenhower (vaguely I remember him).

As a writer I'm usually parked in front of my computer anyway, so having to huddle in Lockdown didn't bother me too much. I only miss my granddaughters and camping.

Here are my beautiful grandgirls:

 

 

As Viewed Through a Screen, for Social Distancing.

 

As for the rest of the world, why is wearing a mask to protect others against your rights? Don't you care about anyone else? Who knew we'd end up in a Plague Situation: Covid19, the Corona Virus, and other less politically correct names. But here we are, wear your damn mask and stay six feet away from me!

 

Politics, I've never been so involved before. The Worst President in history was elected. The Orange Sludge, who cares only about how good he looks and craves praise where it isn't warranted. Why can't his cult see his insanity? A Dictator-Tantrum Throwing-Man-of-Incompetence-Extraordinaire. Whew, say that after two glasses of wine.

 

Back to camping, here's a trip we took to Lake Chautauqua, NY a couple of years back. Our old dog Fritzie is with us. He passed over the Rainbow Bridge last year, 2019, after sixteen years of love and devotion. No camping in 2020, not yet anyway.

 

I'll be back, hopefully, with more kvetching later. My blogs switch back and forth but I can only access one... Back to Blogger for Dummies. I'll work this out, eventually.

I also must dig into my writing where I make the Big Bucks, at least 25.00 a quarter. Private island here I come! So much work, so little reward.

2020, the Year that Keeps on Shocking.