Almost two years ago my dog Fritzie passed over the Rainbow Bridge, as they say. He was old, sixteen, and had just had a convulsion. I'm still broken hearted at his loss. He was a part of me constantly since a little puppy. He loved me unconditionally. I knew it was time for him to leave, but still there's a hollow place in my heart where he'd been nestled so sweetly.
Two weeks ago my mother died. She lived out in California, over two thousand miles away. Our relationship, while fine as a child, had grown acrimonious. Since I was a teenager we'd had 'issues'. Most I didn't understand and she wouldn't let me in on her animosity. I wanted us to be close, confiding, the "My mom is my best friend!" stuff I saw in other people. But she was bitter and took it out on me.
We were hit and miss for many years. I was ashamed to speak of it since no one understood. When she ended up in a nursing home, and we flew out to pack out her apartment, she was at first okay, then accused me of things, bitter again. I'm thankful my high school girlfriends joined in the packing out business. I couldn't have done it without them. But they too didn't understand the animosity.
I guess I need to form a Facebook group, 'Daughters who had bad relationships with their Moms'.
I miss my dog more than my mom. He was there for me to the very last. My mom had pulled away to snarl like a beast who could have eaten her young. Where was the Brownie leader I once knew?
Mom on our vacation in the sixties. Yellowstone?
I'd mourned the loss of our relationship years ago. A friend once told me, you never get the parents you wish you had. My father once said that, too.
After becoming a mom myself, I realize no matter how hard you try, relationships never evolve as you wish they would.
I mourn my dog for the love he gave me every day of his life, and my mom for the love in my childhood.
I hope my two granddaughters know how much I love them.
In the Second Year of Covid, I hope for better things. Hurry up with that damned vaccine! It's here, but not here in PA.
